Dr3@MGYRL360:

Well thought out and put together — the problem of women of color today!!! *please read*

Originally posted on kanilahsjourney:

We all have a predetermined idea of what we think about when we hear the word king. We think of enormous palaces with dozens of rooms & grand eating spaces. We think of an abundance of precious jewels & beautiful garments. Guardsmen, an army, weapons & armour, the list goes on. But above all we think of obedience & loyalty. The king demands respect & going against the king often resulted in great consequences. The degree of punishment varying of ‘course. The king had servants that carried out his every whim, including the queen.

Lets scale this concept down & relate it to marriage today. The saying goes “I’m the king of my castle”, referring to the husband in the home. It’s not on such a grand scale as when we think of a king. There’s usually not acres of land & multiple servants or a huge production of economy…

View original 333 more words

com·mu·ni·ca·tion
kəˌmyo͞onəˈkāSH(ə)n/
noun
noun: communication
  1. 1.
    the imparting or exchanging of information or news.
    “direct communication between the two countries will produce greater understanding”
    synonyms: transmission, conveyance, divulgence, disclosure; More

    dissemination, promulgation, broadcasting
    “the communication of news”
  2. 2.
    means of connection between people or places, in particular.
    • the means of sending or receiving information, such as telephone lines or computers.
      plural noun: communications
      “satellite communications”
    • the means of traveling or of transporting goods, such as roads or railroads.
      “a city providing excellent road and rail communications”
    • the field of study concerned with the transmission of information by various means.

Origin

hon·est
ˈänəst/
adjective
adjective: honest
  1. 1.
    free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere.
    “I haven’t been totally honest with you”
    synonyms: truthful, sincere, candid, frank, open, forthright, ingenuous, straight; More

    informalupfront, aboveboard, on the level
    “I haven’t been honest with you”
    antonyms: insincere

adverb

informal
adverb: honest
  1. 1.
    used to persuade someone of the truth of something.
    “you’ll like it when you get there, honest”

Alot of issues in marital relationships would be cleared up if people communicated with each other, and were honest with everyone in that relationship. Sometimes honesty will hurt other people — so honesty that’s going to hurt needs to be done with consideration on whether or not hurting that person is NECESSARY. (Example — unless that person’s weight is going to cause problems in your relationship with them, you may want to withhold the fact that you consider them fat. You don’t have to randomly tell that person they’re fat just because you thought it just now, and it’s the truth. It’s UNNECESSARY to say, and it’s hurtful). If it’s unnecessary, then you don’t say it.

Everything that it’s necessary to be said must be said and communicated. Break downs in communication cause people to think one thing is going on, when someone else is going on that may be altogether different from what that person thinks. If you aren’t communicating, then the situation may not be working.
You must communicate your needs and your wants and your opinions. Even if those things are different than what your spouse/spouses need, want or opine. Unless it’s hurtful and unnecessary, you need to tell them. That way, they know where you stand, they are aware of how you feel and what you want in life. And hey — if it’s not the same as theirs, and if it’s in any way important to any of you, then whatever needs to happen, should happen.
Ignoring what people are communicating to you is faulty. If a person says they don’t like something, like an action,  you need to make note of it.

Communicating and being honest in your communication allows many things to occur — you will be more aware of yourself and your spouse/spouses, and in being aware, you will be more considerate. Things will be more clear and more solid as to where you all stand with each other, and where you are in the relationship. If something has confused you, be clear that you are confused and ask for them to clarify what they have said.

I’m talking about communication because it seems to be real hard for people — alot of relationships I see that have broken up have done so because of major lacks of communication. Also, alot of people play games — they like to say things in a certain way, thereby manipulating what is heard and what is understood, and causing deception to enter the relationship.

What’s hard for the sisters that try to enter our household, is that we are communicators and we are honest. We don’t play games with our words. We WANT to be clear and we want to be understood and anyone that comes into this house, we want THEM to be clear, and we want THEM to be understood.
We have been married going on 11 years and like it or not, this relationship is a success so far. It’s almost not their fault — seems like all American men and women do, is play games on each other…
if your relationships is rife with game-playing, why don’t you two (or three or four) sit down, and really hash it out. There WILL be honesty and it MAY hurt. If there is love there, remember that you love each other, and that you’ll be better for it in the end. And then make a PACT that y’all are NOT enemies, and that you WILL communicate your feelings, your needs, your wants, your opinions, and that you will listen and HEAR the opinions of the others, and that you will be CONSIDERATE of them from this moment on, as you go forth into life together.

…and if you find you’re not as compatible as you thought, or if you find that you just can’t get past something, and THAT causes y’all to be incompatible… then hey, you’re no longer wasting everyone’s time, right??
And you can move forward and on to something that perhaps will be more “FOR” you.

This entry probably was not clear at all. lol And I don’t care. I did my best to convey my thoughts with this entry and I hope that you learned something.

Women have a big problem with submission. Alot of the time they don’t want it brought up; they’re immediately defensive off the bat when the subject is broached.
I keep wondering what the big deal is. I know someone likes to walk around the world and call me “ultra-submissive” (which is funny because on one side that’s what she said, while on the other side, she said my husband was just a working bee and I’m ruling him, lol — so which one is it? Then on the OTHER hand she wants to write me and tell me how much she LEARNED from me on how to deal with the husband she has now…Which one is it, exactly? Which one am I? Whatever MOVING ON I just think it’s funny), but I think people’s ideas on what submission is and what it looks like differs depending on the person.
Here’s how I am — I don’t argue with my husband on petty stuff.
If he has a problem with what I have on, I MAY grumble, yes — but I go and I change what I have on. It’s not a big deal, and I have other clothes. I’d rather be attractive to him (if that’s the reason) than him find me unattractive. And to say I don’t CARE about being attractive to him — then who do I care about being attractive to? (Note: It should either be HIM or YOURSELF but of course it should not matter whether or not people outside of your union find you attractive)
So I don’t care to argue about the little stuff.

When it comes to cooking and cleaning — I was a stay at home mom/housewife for 6 years. The house was my domain. I cooked every meal, more or less. Every day, 3 times a day, for 6 years. Meanwhile my husband went out of the house to work. His work has always been physical work (and I LIKE that — I just don’t like pencil-pushers, cubicle guys. ugh), and he always had long days at work.
I never asked him to help me around the house. There was NO WAY I’d ask, unless I was at my wits’ end and was about to be overwhelmed. But majority of the time, I did not ask him to participate in housework in the house. Still, when he came home, he didn’t just take off his work clothes and sit on the couch with a beer, watching sports. No — when he came home, he got on “men’s” housework — mowing lawns, washing cars, cleaning up the back yard, cutting our sons’ hair, fixing leaks, mending holes, building things for the kids, putting together bikes, changing breaks, changing oil on cars — you name it. He would do it. He’d use up all his daylight hours doing these things.
So yeah, there was NO WAY I was going to ask him to lift a FINGER helping me with my duties as a wife.
That all may look “ultra-submissive” to you, but I just find it rude and insensitive to ask a person that’s been working all day to help in that.

I rarely tell him no on anything he wants. Why should I? The man works hard, makes his money — he should be allowed to do with it whatever he likes. He’s not unreasonable in his wants; why can’t I let him do whatever he wants on that? When he wanted a motorcycle, so many of his friends said their wives had ALWAYS said no to that. Family members TOLD me I should put my foot down and tell him no. Why?? For what??? Because he could DIE?? Well — MAYBE, he might have crashed and died, perhaps, but he would have died doing something he’d WANTED to do! It’s not a crime to have a bike, and many people have had bikes their entire lives and have survived it. I had no interest in telling him no on that or anything else.
No, CONVERSELY, he may tell ME no — but I know myself — compared to alot of people I’m VERY reasonable and logical, but SOMETIMES I’m just not reasonable in my wants. And it makes sense to me.

I pretty much do what he wants me to do. Why not? He’s not asking me to do anything evil or wicked. He’s not asking me to rob people, he’s not asking me to leave my kids outside in the cold or let them starve. He’s not telling me to do crack. I married a man whose family’s best interest is at the forefront of everything he does. I married a man who’s track record for what accomplishing what he needed to accomplish to be what and where he wanted to be at life is 100%. My point: I can TRUST him to lead me well. He won’t let me fall. He won’t cause me to hurt or do wrong. I have no idea why I’m supposed to not do what he says. He’s not going to cause me to die from doing what he’s asked me to do.

I really think… women’s lack of submission is ludicrous. All throughout history, whether the beliefsystem was Abrahamic or Eastern and polytheist etc etc, men have been heads of households. I OVERstand the fact that women have often been oppressed throughout the history of the human world, and have been treated as cattle. I get it.
But today, in an age and in a country where women DO have choices as to what they can do and what they can do, they have rights to all levels of education, and all fields of employment — what’s so hard about finding a man you can trust that will allow you to have your careers, if that’s what you want, and allow you to reach your levels of education, if that’s what you want? And let him lead?
If you married a man who won’t let you do what you like about these things (and you yourself are not being unreasonable in wanting whatever it is you want), why did you marry that man?
If you married a man that can’t be trusted to handle the finances properly, why’d you marry him?
If you married a man that can’t be trusted to make smart life decisions that benefit your family WITHOUT your input (and even WITH your input), why’d you marry him?
Why marry a man who has different ideas of his goals or successes than you?
You don’t do that.

When a man is trying is damnedest to lead his household and you keep bucking and saying no for no reasonable cause, it’s you who are the problem, not him. You calling him aggressive or controlling, when he’s simply doing his job as a man who wants inherently to be the head of his household — that’s you being the problem. If he hasn’t told you to do bad things, painful things, evil things, and you just bucking for the sake of bucking… you’re the problem.
He’s being a MAN. A REAL man. And men, at many different levels of class, economics and education, are going to want to head up their households however they see fit.
If you don’t like the way that man heads his household, or the direction he’s trying to go — then dont do it. You’re only going to cause everyone pain because to be honest, that’s not what you want. Find a man that wants what YOU want, and is going where you’d like to go. And be happy.

But men are men and that’s how men are.

…I have tried to write this for a month now. Here it is. (I have so many other drafts that I think are boring)

So I finished Parable of the Talents.
And I have to say that the series didn’t fully move me until the second half of the second book. The first book was interesting to the prepper in me, as well as the second book.
*spoiler alert*

but the fact that her belief system was SUCCESSFUL was just so fulfilling for me!
The book says “…it was no accident that the church and the school were the same. They weren’t just the same building. They were the same institution. If the Earthseed Destiny is to have any meaning beyond a distant mythical paradise, Earthseed must be not only a belief system but a way of life. Children should be raised in it. Adults shouldl be reminded of it often, refocused on it, and urged toward it. Both should understand how their current behavior is or isn’t contributing to the fulfillment of the Destiny. By the time we’re able to send Earthseed children to college, they should be dedicated not only to a course of study, but to the fulfillment of the Destiny. If they are, then any course of study they choose cna become a tool for the fulfillment.”

…I love that so very much.
It’s very true. If you have a system of belief, THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD HANDLE IT. Prophetic words. Prophetic words! Build your meeting place, make it the school for the children as well! WHY do we send our children off to these schools when we KNOW we don’t agree with the MAJORITY of the stuff going on over there???

So there’s that. I haven’t given the book back to the library yet. We had a situation — my daughter lost her library card so we had to renew it, and they didn’t remove the books from that old card so that they could be re-checked out under the new card.
It’s overdue.
*sigh* ILL RETURN IT.
When I was a child I would NOT have returned it. SMH

My mother sent her DNA in to 23andme.com and it came back and said the following about her:

84.1% Sub-Saharan African (79.7% of that being West African, the rest being Central and South African)
13% European (6.9% Northern European – British or Irish, and 6.3% Southern European, specifically Iberian)
and 2.4% Native American

Of course my sister’s and mine will vary from that slightly because of our father and the plethora of DNA found on his side.
My mother’s people are very dark skinned people, with high cheek bones. When you see pictures of ancestors their high cheek bones are dominant — then we mated with someone else and after that, the cheek bones in the next generation are recessive — but high.
Their hair is kinky, but soft and fine and fragile.

My mother’s DNA compilation says alot about me — it points out why I’m a sickle cell carrier (Sub-Saharan Africa)…and it points to why I’m A- (RH-), as well!
The Iberian people are Basque — which are the INDIGENOUS people of Southern Europe. This covers places like Spain, Italy…and France — our slave master had a FRENCH last name.
So you already know that the slave master was busy in the slave quarters, raping bedwenches for Basque to be found in there. Basque people are the ones that carry that RH- gene. African people aren’t known for bring RH-. There are a few of us, but not many.
Then the 2.4% Native American — we are sure we know WHICH ancestor that is!! He was kidnapped off the reservation at the age of 5 and was sold into slavery in Texas. He lived his life with an accent and, when slavery ended, didn’t go home. He married a fellow slave from that reservation and they moved off that plantation to another part of Texas, carrying with them that Native American blood, and that Basque blood, and that Sub-Saharan African blood…

And see, when I contacted the Seminole Indian Nation last year, they tried to tell me that slaves that ran away with them lived AMONG them, but that NO, they NEVER intermingled with them. (I was looking for evidence of my ancestor and him disappearing from their reservation in the mid 1800s…there was no record of a raid, according to the person I spoke to) But here’s the DNA analysis basically attesting to the truth.
They charged less than $100 for this DNA analysis. And it WILL amaze you.

So I finished Parable of the Talents.
And I have to say that the series didn’t fully move me until the second half of the second book. The first book was interesting to the prepper in me, as well as the second book.
*spoiler alert*

but the fact that her belief system was SUCCESSFUL was just so fulfilling for me!
The book says “…it was no accident that the church and the school were the same. They weren’t just the same building. They were the same institution. If the Earthseed Destiny is to have any meaning beyond a distant mythical paradise, Earthseed must be not only a belief system but a way of life. Children should be raised in it. Adults shouldl be reminded of it often, refocused on it, and urged toward it. Both should understand how their current behavior is or isn’t contributing to the fulfillment of the Destiny. By the time we’re able to send Earthseed children to college, they should be dedicated not only to a course of study, but to the fulfillment of the Destiny. If they are, then any course of study they choose cna become a tool for the fulfillment.”

…I love that so very much.
It’s very true. If you have a system of belief, THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD HANDLE IT. Prophetic words. Prophetic words! Build your meeting place, make it the school for the children as well! WHY do we send our children off to these schools when we KNOW we don’t agree with the MAJORITY of the stuff going on over there???

So there’s that. I haven’t given the book back to the library yet. We had a situation — my daughter lost her library card so we had to renew it, and they didn’t remove the books from that old card so that they could be re-checked out under the new card.
It’s overdue.
*sigh* ILL RETURN IT.
When I was a child I would NOT have returned it. SMH

My mother sent her DNA in to 23andme.com and it came back and said the following about her:

84.1% Sub-Saharan African (79.7% of that being West African, the rest being Central and South African)
13% European (6.9% Northern European – British or Irish, and 6.3% Southern European, specifically Iberian)
and 2.4% Native American

Of course my sister’s and mine will vary from that slightly because of our father and the plethora of DNA found on his side.
My mother’s people are very dark skinned people, with high cheek bones. When you see pictures of ancestors their high cheek bones are dominant — then we mated with someone else and after that, the cheek bones in the next generation are recessive — but high.
Their hair is kinky, but soft and fine and fragile.

My mother’s DNA compilation says alot about me — it points out why I’m a sickle cell carrier (Sub-Saharan Africa)…and it points to why I’m A- (RH-), as well!
The Iberian people are Basque — which are the INDIGENOUS people of Southern Europe. This covers places like Spain, Italy…and France — our slave master had a FRENCH last name.
Then the 2.4% Native American — we are sure we know WHICH ancestor that is!! He was kidnapped off the reservation at the age of 5 and was sold into slavery in Texas. He lived his life with an accent and, when slavery ended, didn’t go home.

They charged less than $100 for this DNA analysis.

Polygyny made the news — apparently it made our DNA better. Here’s a link to a video

Here is the Washington Post article — http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/speaking-of-science/wp/2014/09/25/the-evidence-of-polygamy-is-in-our-genes/

Boss wife is a term that was coined in the black polygyny groups on Facebook. It is a derogatory term, typically used to describe a woman, who is a wife (tends to be the first wife), who basically is the head of the household. She is the the Maker of the Rules of Engagement with her husband.
Boss wives are domineering, controlling, and overbearing to pretty much everyone around them.
Boss wives tend to need to be in control of the majority of the courting process. A woman may need to go through the boss wife in order to express the wish to be courted by the family. THEY say whether or not a woman can go on a date with the husband. This is HER husband. You are NOT allowed to do ANYTHING with HER husband without her permission.
She may brow-beat him and any of the other wives that come into the situation. You do things HER way. When you marry into the family, and, say, move into the house with them, you move into HER house. You put your things where SHE says. You do things the way SHE wants you to do them.
Her husband allows these things. He doesn’t argue with her about these things. If she says no to a particular woman as a wife, he won’t openly go against her wishes. No. Instead, he will be weak and either go behind her back to try to get what he wants, or, he will sit there and be miserable, rather than taking her to task and confronting her as to why she does not want this or that person to join the family.
black-man-and-woman-arguing
Sometimes a boss wife is blocking wives from coming into her family because she REALLY doesn’t want polygyny; she’s only doing it because it’s what HE wants. She’s just pretending to be down for it, and vetoes almost every name that comes up as an option. All reasons may seem reasonable to the husband, no matter how weak or petty they are.
bosswife1
Often a boss wife’s actions and concerns have absolutely nothing to do with her husband and how he feels and what he wants. She is selfish and is only worried about how SHE feels and what SHE wants.
Being a boss wife is frowned upon. If one is able to successfully join her family, they may have a hard row to hoe if they value having their own ways, their own opinions, their own wants and goals. They will need to be just as strong. Some boss wives  may respect the fact that another woman has come in, and is strong, and will NOT let her have her way on everything(because I think alot of them are oblivious as to how they come off, and I think they’re unaware that maybe — JUST maybe — their opinions and their ways are not how the other woman wants to do their thing). black-women-arguing
Some people like that.
Other boss wives may feel extremely threatened by someone who’s just as strong — and there may be a fight of some sort. She may demand this woman be removed from her kingdom. She may throw a fit, cry and scream. She may physically assault people.
She may pack her things and leave.

Boss wives do better when they are in their own houses, alone and without other wives around. A pseudo-monogamous state is best for them (whether they’ll agree with me or not). Other women should not be subjected to their whims if they don’t want.

Sometimes there’s a little “boss-wife” in every wife — if a woman knows her husband is inept, then maybe it’s good for her to take control of these situations. If she knows he may get hurt somehow in the situation, because truly the other woman is not a good fit. These particular times of “boss-wifery” make sense. What they lack is the selfishness.

So I guess the question is “How much of a boss-wife are you?”
…maybe someone should make a quiz to determine it lol.
(You are 75% boss-wife: Let’s face it, girlie, you’re leaning more toward the bitchy-side than you are toward the sisterly-side! Take a step back and let things relax a little; you’re ALLOWED to not be concerned about whether or not he’s kissed her yet!)

((I crack myself up))

Going through some old posts written by my husband, and felt they were worthy of being put in the blog.
They were to a much smaller audience, and while it does mention some people by name, if you don’t know their last names, you have no idea who they are, so… hakuna matata.
…at the request of an interested sister…

Enjoy!
DreamGyrl360

The basis for my argument in the discussion that went south-

By now most of you have realized who my wife’s alter ego is. You won’t believe the amount of emails she receives from (mostly) women seeking advice in their disastrous poly relationships. Many (not most) are subsequent wives who are being ill-treated and abused by the 1st..under the guise of “showing respect to those before you”. We’ve seen that too many times. Men, it is absolutely unfair to any woman for you to woo her into a relationship with you, have her expecting the securities of a MAN in her life, and then subject her to the emotional whims of your current wife/wives. No woman wants to be dominated by another woman, just as no man wants to be dominated by another man.

We call this the “boss wife” syndrome, and you won’t believe how prevalent it is in Western polygyny. It happens when the man is dominated by his wife in (at least) the decision-making aspect of their monogamous relationship, whether she does it profoundly or via a stress-inducing series of complaints (nagging). Like all decisions (which she’s already accustomed to making), she dominates the courtship of the potential. This manifests a dynamic in which the 1st profoundly dominates the subsequent wives throughout the relationship. When a woman decides to place herself under the authority and leadership of a man, in order to reap the benefits therein, she is not expecting to nor does she want to deal with his woman on that level. If she did, she would go after a butch.

When discussing “proper structure”, we have to analyze the practical science of it, which is embedded in its definition. Polygyny is not a woman allowing her husband to take on a second wife. It is a man engaging in the social institution of marriage (whether state sanctioned or not) with multiple women. When discussing the “primary” entity in the agreement, we go deeper into the practical science and analyze the predominating element… the most necessary element- THE MAN HAS TO BE CAPABLE OF IT! Therefore it is the man who is primary in the arrangement and he should have the reins all the way through. For harmonious polygyny to work, each woman needs to have a personal relationship with the man, which is independent of the other relationship dynamics in the mix. And it should not be driven by another wife from the back seat. However, because of the conditioning of us (against it, in the west), the catalyst for harmonious polygyny is the ability of the women to get along. But still, a poly man — a REAL poly man — would be able to take care of that.

A healthy transition from monogamy to polygyny begins with the monogamous household being in the right order. That order begins with the man being a man as a man should, and not his wife’s bitch. He has to fully assume the HOH (Head of Household) rank, which is being the ultimate (but not absolute) authority under his roof. If not, the subsequent wives will never be fulfilled in the social purpose of polygyny, or worse – deal with the mess that Lily spoke of earlier, that so many others have had to deal with. Like Donald stated, it is the man’s role to balance and guide. He should know what is best for his family, and if he doesn’t, then he has not fully assumed the HOH rank. And when choosing a subsequent, he should hold the authority of that decision, just as he had with the first. It is his wife, not hers, as Yolanda mentioned earlier. We live in a world where spouses choose each other and this has become one of the cornerstones for spousal relationships in this day and age. To propose otherwise, in order to satisfy the current wife’s selfishness, reeks of feminism.

Every single scenario that was brought up to support the opposing argument was due to a household not being in the right order. Folks have lived so long in Babylon, with their way of thinking perverted with the methods of their conquerors, that their perception of what is “proper structure” and the “right order” has long been twisted. The purpose of polygyny, as it was sanctioned in every society of civilized man, both past and present, was not to allow a wife to have another woman to share wifely duties with. Neither is it to allow a man to have multiple women. It has always been to allow every woman the opportunity to have the securities and comforts which comes from having a responsible man in their life.

Sisters

I already said on my facebook fanpage that the experience of first wives will not be the same as the experience of second wives, and neither of the two will share the same experience as the third wife. Wives coming in after #3 tend to share similar experiences, and the FINAL wife will have her own experience.
In order for Wife-to-wife (W2W) interactions to be positive, all of the wives must understand that they aren’t having the same experience, and they should TRY to put themselves in the other wifes’ shoes and think of the type of behavior THEY would like out of someone in their place.
It’s called empathy. A level of understanding between two people.
Alot of the time that’s where the issues come in. We come into these relationships (and it happens in monogamy all the time!) and we want to continue to be an individual, dwelling in the same time and space as another individual or set of individuals.
So when it comes to benefiting the unit, we are mainly focused on self and what WE are getting from the unit, and not on what others aren’t getting.

First wives have to remember that a new wife coming in is going to need to be able to create her own place in the family. That means you can’t expect them to come in and be EXACTLY how *you’d* planned for them to be. No — you HAVE to make allowances for her to have her own flavor, do things her own way. You have to be flexible to change…because adding someone to a family is a BIG change no matter HOW that person is added.
(Women that can’t do this probably need their own house/space)
The second wife is the first wife to be added to the already-existing unit. She’s like a guinea pig (UNFORTUNATELY and for lack of a better word at this moment, lol). It’s almost guaranteed that MOST mistakes will be made here, by all parties involved. This is the first time there were two wives, this is the first time the husband has had two wives. Often this is the first time the two women have openly “shared” the same man (hate that term), and so the entire thing is very new and very different for everyone involved. This wife has to remember that the existing wife is opening up her family and possibly her home to her. She should show herself to be a friend to the existing wife, by seeing the needs of the existing unit, and helping in whatever capacity she can.

After the second wife, every wife added on after her tends to have it easier (I’m going off of what I HEAR from a NUMBER of polygynous families from ALL walks of life — Islam, Hebrew Israelites, Mormons, pagans, Christians, etc. what I’m saying is almost universal here if people are doing their best to be “good” people, which the AVERAGE person is trying to be).
There ARE times where a family adds on alot of wives in a short time-period. This is a significantly harder situation — the kinks will not have been ironed out, lol, and so all these people are coming in without a solid base to hold on to…

All should understand that insecurities and sometimes even ugly, ugly jealousies may come up. It may all be misunderstandings, but that’s what communication is for.
I’m a strong believer in communicating; all of the relationships that do well have immense communication, truth and honesty. So even when it comes to these W2W issues, it’s fruitful to address it as soon as possible. It is WRONG to let things fester if they are in ANY way going to affect your interactions with each other, or by extension, the unit itself.

Every wife has to understand that other wives are not going to be cardboard cut-outs with no personality and no “ways” to contend with. They aren’t going to be how you are about things and they aren’t going to handle things the way you do. They are flesh and blood human beings, just like you, who, for the most part (– and I say that because there are WICKED people in this world and if you haven’t learned THAT while following this blog I’onno what else to tell you) deserve a peaceful, loving and happy home, where they are allowed to bring their characteristics to the table to blend in and mix with the other family members, to create something beautiful and successful.
This is why the title of that book is SO poignant — ‘We Want for Our Sisters what We Want for Ourselves’.
That’s so very important in polygyny.
If you don’t keep that phrase in the forefront of your mind doing this, problems will rear their ugly heads everywhere.

I had something written. Then I deleted it.
I don’t want to talk about that.

And THEN I wrote something ELSE. And deleted that, too.

I’m reading Octavia E. Butler this week. I’ve read quite a few of her books, but I took the kids to the library for the first time in a couple of YEARS a couple of Saturdays ago, and my library actually had her books (if you can believe it — my neighborhood isn’t the best place but it ain’t the worst, either).
I saw Parable of the Talents, but knew in order to read Talents, you gotta read Parable of the Sower, first. So I timidly asked the guy at the counter if they still ordered books from other libraries — he said sure and I gave him the name and they ordered it — in a couple of days they called me and I went and picked it up.
I like it.
I didn’t know it was sooo dystopian. Dystopian-survivalism, I like that genre of everything. Because, to be honest, I don’t see a bright future for America. I see us heading downhill — and I’m sure most of us see it.
So… it piqued my interest.
She didn’t even finish the story. You’ve got Sower, Talents, and she was supposed to do Trickster, but moved over to Fledgling. Boo.
Who will finish it?
Wish I cared enough to take up the torch.
I like to write.
I have books unfinished all over the place. I write fervently, chapters upon chapters, for months on end (or I used to). Then suddenly , I stop. My mind is like “Story dun!” I don’t have anymore.
So no I won’t undertake it. I’d never finish.
But it’s almost black survivalist fiction. Wow. NEEDED. MUCH needed.
I read survivalist fiction and most characters are white Republicans who, as luck would find it, have all the skills they need for surviving the Pockyclips and living on from generation until generation, forever and ever, Amen.
And that’s bull. It’s not going to be THAT perfect and predictable.
There’s more I want to say but I can’t put it into words.
I want to do a video. Because there’s more I Want to say on this subject.
…but people DIE in Butler’s books. Characters that you’ve become fond of, on some level. They die on you. They are killed. They make mistakes and are raped and beaten, murdered and burned, their charred bodies etched in your mind long after you’ve finished the book and wakened back into reality.
And that’s how reality is. People die and are killed. People DONT have everything together and have all that they need to survive.
There’s ALWAYS something more needed.

…and to make this about polygyny, wives are great preps. Groups of adults bound to a family unit work very well together. The more there are, the greater the chance that “The Family” will survive.

AIIGHT AIIGHT I’m done. *pushes keyboard off desk*
Peace, y’all.

I dreamt of my mammaw’s house last night.
It was a green, wood-frame house — the kind of green from the 60s/70s that no one would touch today.
It had a small front porch. No central air, and in south Texas. All windows would be open. When you enter the house, you enter their small livingroom. To the left was the diningroom, with a door that leads to the kitchen. The kitchen would be hot because of all the cooking she’d do. So the door would be closed most of the time in the mornings and in the afternoons. Then there was another door into her and papaw’s bedroom, that was screened in on all sides with a door that led out back. They had the bathroom. Right beside the kitchen door was another door, that led to a guestroom. The guestroom had a door that led right back into the livingroom.
At night she’d give you a chamberpot for the guestroom if you had to go in the night. She was still used to outhouse living — you didn’t go in her room to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. You used the chamberpot.
I never used it at night lol. Forget that.
She would get real butter, and in the mornings she’d set it out on the table, and it would soften while she cooked.
Her eggs were always perfect — light, fluffy, not even seasoned. But good, just like that.
Her toast was toasted on the stove.
My papaw had his chair in front of the tv. NO ONE sat in that chair. He smoked ALOT of cigarettes, and had one of those club-ashtrays with the tall stand right beside his chair. He wasn’t my biological papaw; my blood papaw died before I was born. My mammaw didn’t get divorced; her husbands would grow old and die and she’d remarry. But John was a very good man, and was a good papaw to me. He was a light skinned man, missing teeth here and there, and was much the farmer. He’d be gone most of the day, farming somewhere, then he’d come home. He’d greet me and his country accent was thick but I understood what he was saying. He’d sit and watch tv and did not want to be bothered.
My mammaw, when I’d stay with them alone, would set me on the bed in the guestroom while she did her chores. She’d bring me a box “Would you like to see my pretty earrings?? I have lots of pretty earrings,” she’d say. She’d put the box on the bed and be like “Only problem is, they’re all mixed up! They need to be matched together. Can you do that for mammaw while I go and cook dinner?”
“Yes ma’am,” I’d say, and I’d set about my task, of matching earrings…
and I’d find NOT ONE MATCH IN THE ENTIRE BOX, lol.
She was good at distracting me. lol
She’d show me all her shoes — shoes she’d bought back in the 40s but were still in impeccable condition.
She’d show me all the arrowheads she’d found in their yard. So many!!! And still, hundreds of years after Native Americans lived on that land, *I’d* find them, and we’d add them to the box. She had them in an old lunchbox.
What would irritate me a little was when she’d show me the picture albums of all our family members from everywhere.
The children of her white employers would be in there, among the family members.
She was a cook in a white family’s house on the white side of town, for decades.
She felt like they were family.
I felt like they were NOT.
…they weren’t bad people, I guess. For that time. They still gave her money, even though she no longer worked for them. The gave alot of money for her funeral, when she died. So I guess they weren’t bad.
But still. I didn’t like it; I didn’t understand… and only understand now in the sense that times were different then.
I always thought cucumbers grew from trees and now I understand why I thought that — on the edge of their small property were trees, and the vines had grown up into the trees. So when mammaw would want cucumbers, she’d pick them out the trees, lol. She made pickles.
Their walkway had aloe plants growing. Papaw planted them there.
There was watermelon and pumpkins deep in the back…berries too. I wouldn’t go there, tho.
There was an extra room in the back of the kitchen. Sometimes mammaw would ask me “You wanna see what’s in that backroom?” “Yes ma’am!”
She’d get a key and unlock the door, and all her storage stuff was in there — old dolls, arrowheads, just a bunch of old things. It was hot in there; stuffy. I remember the stale smell of the air. We’d stay in there for a while as she uncovered things, and told me their stories of how they’d found them.
She’d go into Spanish (mammaw and papaw spoke Spanish fluently; all of our very old people did. My blood papaw, he did, too. He DREAMT in Spanish and would speak it in his sleep). She’d stop and say “You know what that means??” “No.” “It means ‘watch out’. Cuidado.” and she’d go on with her story.
They never cursed. My blood papaw would curse in his sleep, in Spanish, as he was fighting some long-ago situation. But they never cursed.
My mammaw was scared of Mexicans. They were boogie men to her, when I knew her. She’d close all the windows in the hot, hot house, telling me “Gotta keep the windows closed — dem Meskins — dey’ll peek in on you!”
Less than 10 minutes’ later, my mother would be on her trail, re-opening all the windows.
It was because once, when my mammaw was hanging curtains in her bedroom, a Mexican man shot her five times through the window.
He was chasing someone down the alleyway, thought the silhouette in the window was the man he was pursuing, and so he shot her.
Her husband was mowing the lawn in the front and heard nothing.
She had to drag herself through the house, and out on the front porch, which is where he saw her…
She survived (obviously). But was always paranoid about Mexicans and her windows after that.
In the winter, they had two heaters. I don’t know how old you are, reading this, or what you know about heaters from back in the day. But these were some DANGEROUS ASS HEATERS…omg… metal, and in the middle, FIRE. They had gas in them obviously but I don’t know how they worked.
They had one in the livingroom and it was enough to heat the entire house.
It caught my mammaw on fire one day. IT DID. Her robe got caught.
She was burned on 60% of her body.
She survived THAT (OBVIOUSLY).
…I don’t know what to say. She survived many things, and outlived 3 husbands.
When she was closer to the end, we’d sit at the diningroom table and I’d have my paper and pen and I’d ask her questions like “Who were your parents? What were their names?? And your sisters and brothers?? And what were THEIR parents’ names??” She’d answer all my questions, she’d give me stories and anecdotes of them — some of them quite unbelievable in my opinion but I’ll trust her that they DID INDEED happen.
She got dementia, and couldn’t live alone anymore. She lived with my auntie for a while, who couldn’t keep her under control (she’d leave, get lost and the police would bring her back), so she ended up at a nursing home, where she had a most undignified death for such a good woman.
They sold her house. Last time I was in that town, I went looking for it, and couldn’t recognize it.
I’m sure the new owners did away with that awful green.
I dreamt of her immediately after her death. My auntie was sobbing. It frustrated mammaw, and she said “Who’s doing all that crying? Who DIED??” I looked over, and said “…You.” And then I woke up.

I miss my grandmother. I miss these people. I miss her house. I miss going there for holidays. I miss it.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 367 other followers