Here are some things we’ve realized about ourselves in this recent situation –
We can’t relate to the single people out there. We didn’t realize we were so very different but our entire lives have been different — we got married in our early twenties. We have no idea what it’s like, really, to be grown and single. All of my children are his children and all of his children are my children — there are no baby mamas or baby daddies in our lives. We don’t know what that’s like, to have some adult outside of your household that has a level of say over what the children can and cannot do.
When you’re in a relationship with someone, you are constantly checked. You have to either curb or get rid of your bad habits — because there’s always someone else that your habits could hurt or hinder. The way we are is very conservative when it comes to how we relate to each other. I don’t go places he doesn’t want me to go and I don’t do things he doesn’t want me to do, and visa versa. Everything he or I do is within the best interest of our family. When you’re single, the only person you have is you. The only person to bounce choices off of, ultimately, is you. You’re the person you hurt, when you choose to do this or that. Even after having babies — the only right or wrong they know is what you tell them is right or wrong. Our kids have me and their father. With us, if I’m wrong toward the kids, he will check me on it. If he’s wrong toward the kids, I will check him on it. The kids, therefore, have a larger understanding of what’s right and wrong.
From what I can see, the women that I know that have been single for their entire 20s, who may or may not have children, often they remind me of ME — back when I was 21/22. It’s as if they have never had to curb anything bad about them, any little laziness or negativeness about them, and it’s been there, unchecked and so now it’s wild and out of control. The mistakes they seem to make in relationships are mistake I was making before I met my husband. It’s why their relationships don’t last, or they’ve never been chosen as a wife. Seems to me there’s a level of “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks” running around here…
Something else we learned is there is a class system and it IS in place. Well really — that’s something I moreso learned. My entire life, being that I’m not like anyone I grew up with, I was bullied. I was told things like “You think you better than us” and “You think you all that” all the time. This made me sad because No, no, I didn’t think I was better than anyone. And so I would try to convince the world that I’m not better than anyone. We are all alike — no one is better and no one is worse, no matter where anyone is from.
But I was always embraced by a certain type of person, and always picked on by a certain type of person. And, after this experience, I think I’ve gotten clear as to why — there IS a class system. Some people TRULY ARE better than another type of person, and their actions WILL show it. It’s almost not enough to be a “nice” person and a “good” person, because a person’s upbringing and environment can mold what the definitions of these types of people are. (I know people don’t like hearing it and I don’t like SAYING it, as it’s still shocking to me that this is true. ALL MY LIFE I have insisted that we’re all the same)
The sister we courted told us (and others) that she’d never seen a wife like me. All the wives she knew were cheating on their husbands or were otherwise “ratchet” (ratchet is a slang word that is originating from mispronunciation of the word “wretched”… FYI…let’s continue). She said she didn’t know HOW to be a wife…
Once she did what she did to us, after we’d broken up, and yet remained friends, I was rather brokenhearted over the whole situation. That’s when I had an epiphany — she is one type of person and we are another type. Two different classes. We took her from one level, and wanted her to be able to adjust to another level.
How often is this the case, I wonder?
And when I look into my past, those people who were picking on me… I get it, now. It was unusual at my school for someone to leave the country in the summer (I was 9, we went to Jamaica). It was unusual at my school for someone to dress the way I dressed (not my fault — I wasn’t picking out my clothes in elementary school and my mom kept going to this place that used to be around called Chocolate Soup, where you could get, like, high-end clothing), It was unusual at my school, for you to make straight A’s all the time. It was WEIRD for you to speak how I spoke.
…I should have gone to a better school. I wasn’t with anyone who was like me. THAT’s what the problem was.
Again — we probably won’t court anymore. My husband is not interested in younger women, and we don’t want to deal with the baby-daddy situations (no man will have say over our household but my husband). But a childless woman may want children and he’s not interested in having any more…
If he finds someone that fits his needs I’ll be all for it. But alot of these women seem to have screws loose and we have no interest in trying to help them tighten those screws.
He says he put aside many of his wants for this situation and that he’ll never do that again. I agree — never again.